~* Jaff *~'s Journal

Major depression - An extremely low emotional state, severe depression; involves loss of appetite, lack of energy, hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts

Symptoms include:
- slow speech
- deep ongoing depression
- disturbances in appetite
- disturbances in sleeping
- lack of energy
- a sense of hopelessness
- extreme feelings of worthlessness
- anger, which is sometimes directed at the self

I can't help but wonder...

Okay, I'm gonna explain how I feel on here, since less people read it.

I am SO sick of being treated like a doormat. Every time you're angry, guess who it comes out on? Even if you are angry at me, you make no effort to control what you say. You don't seem to get it that you're hurting me so badly. Sometimes it's hard just to look at you lately. I don't know how to act. You act like everything is okay... maybe it is for you. You act like nothing has happened... but guess what? I got hurt, that's what happened. Maybe you don't care, but I do, and I'm sick of this. You're not the only one who has feelings, you know. Even when I'm furious, I make an effort to control what I say so that I don't hurt people. All I ask is that you do the same.

This here is a note directed at Satan:

Satan, you have no place in my life. I belong to Jesus Christ, and you cannot change that. Jesus loves me and has forgiven me; that's all that I need to know. I am "fearfully and wonderfully made"(Psalm 139:14). I am made in the image of God(Genesis 5:1). I am "God's workmanship"(Ephesians 2:10). I know that you are wanting to be the lord of my life, but I'm happy to tell you that that position has already been filled by Jesus Christ. You can never touch my soul. I know that I'm the one who let you in my life in the first place, but no more. Get out of my life, in the name of Jesus. You already put 3 nail scars in the hands of my saviour... and three is enough. There doesn't need to be any more. I will not give in. I will resist; I can't do it, but "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13). I'm through with letting you do what you want. My heart is spoken for.

Tears are falling,
Hearts are breaking;
How we need to hear from God.
You've been promised;
We've been waiting...

It seems like no matter how long I wait, nothing ever changes. I need to hear from God, but nothing ever comes.

Am I too lost
To Be saved?
Am I too lost?

I'm starting to think that maybe I am. Maybe I'll be like this forever....

I just don't know....

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: God is God - Steven Curtis Chapman

I don't think that I'll ever be good enough for myself.

Okay, I'm just going to write out my thoughts. Nobody get mad or all uptight or whatever... this is just what goes through my head:

Sometimes it's actually hard for me to go to something like my brother's and sister's school musical that they're always in, because it reminds me of the talent I don't have.
I hate looking in the mirror. One of the things I really liked about Mexico is that we had no mirror.
Sometimes it's hard for me to hang out with all the girls who are guy-magnets... because it's totally not me.
Sometimes it's hard for me to hang out with the girls I do, because they are all so beautiful and talented.
I get scared that so many girls like Mike sometimes, because I can't compete. Sometimes I worry that he's gonna realize that he could do so much better, and find someone better: someone talented, funny, pretty, sweet, fun, and all that stuff that I'm not.
Sometimes it's frustrating for me to live with my sister, who's pretty close to perfect.
I get incredibly frustrated with myself, because I'm so annoying about this whole esteem deal.
I'm annoyed that I always end up comparing myself to other people, which just makes me feel worse when I don't meet their standard.

Gah.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Tourniquet- Evanescence

Maybe it's just me... but sometimes it seems like people are to wrapped up in their own pain to notice that other people hurt too... or that they are hurting other people. *sigh*

You are Psalms.

Which book of the Bible are you?
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I'm sick of so many people always being in a pissy mood.

Current Mood: frustrated

I can't do it any more. I can't live hearing the voice inside my head always saying, "you're not good enough." "You suck". "You screwed up". "You are worthless". "You have no talent". "You are ugly". "You'll never measure up". "She/he is so much better than you are". "You're never going to be good enough".

Here's a poem I finished last night:

I lift my tear-stained eyes
Up to the heavens
And I see nothing
I feel nothing but hurt
I hear nothing
Except my cries for help echoing back at me
My wrists bleed
From wounds carved by my own hands
Death calls to me
It beckons me to come
I am dead inside
All hope that ever resided in me
Has deserted me
Freedom is in the glint of silver
I feel nothing
As crimson pools around me
And each time, I dig deeper
As blackness rushes in to greet me
I'm almost free
But as I begin to celebrate my nearing success
I realize that this freedom
May not be as glorious as I thought it to be
But now there's nothing I can do
Except await my own demise.

Lately, I've been very very low on esteem. I've actually been carving my wrist up with this screw I found on my dresser. At least I have no knives in my room. It's scary, guys. I did it for the first time last night, and fortunately, no one noticed the marks at school today. But I did it again this evening, and this time, I'm actually bleeding a little bit. I'm scared. I hate that I'm doing this to myself. I know it's horrible... but it's like I can't stop myself, until after I've put myself in pain. Help me, please.

Dear Marissa...
It's definitely been a while since I've written... *sigh*... I just wanted to post a poem that I wrote for a friend of mine that was killed this year... so, here it goes:

DEAR MARISSA

My world was rocked
When I heard the news
As I sat, tightly gripping
The end of the pew.

Marissa, you were a friend
To all you had known.
I just wish I could say
That our friendship had grown.

The news of the avalanche
Put a hole through my heart.
And word of your death
Just tore me apart.

Marissa, I know
That we were never best of friends,
But I miss you, I love you.
Can’t wait to see you again.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: I Can Only Imagine - Mercy Me

*My Esteem.. or lack of it*
It's so frustrating. My self esteem is totally crap. I don't even know how I got to be this way, but I hate it. I know that God never intended for me to feel this way about myself. It's just that, I guess, when you hear stuff like "you're ugly.." or "you're fat" or "you're a cow", etc... you just start to believe that it's true.. and then it becomes a habit. But now that it's a habit, it's SO hard to break. It's so annoying.. I don't want to hate who I am, or what I look like. I want to be content being who God made me to be.. but I have no idea how to do that. I know that God made me the way I am, and I know that He loves me so much.. but why can't I accept that? Why can't I accept myself? I wish I could see myself the way that God sees me... but I can't. That frustrates me.. that hurts me. I don't like looking in the mirror and thinking.. "blah" or hearing stuff like.. "I could never imagine you getting married" or "you ugly.." It hurts so much, even if it's said as a joke.. but it's just not funny anymore.. in fact, it never was.
Please pray for me.
-Jeni

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Filled With Your Glory

The small group retreat was awesome!! It was also SO beautiful up there!! I wanna go back so much!! Since we fasted, when we got back to the clubhouse at 7:00-ish, Mrs. Heppner had prepared a huge turkey dinner for us! YUMMMMMY!!! It was amazing..

After, I left to go to Mini Mike's birthday party, which was lots of fun too!! I just don't wanna go back to school ..

Today, I'm thankful for:

~Mia
~Chantle
~Peacefield
~birthday parties
~turkey dinner!

Luv,
~*Jeni*~

Current Mood: good

aaahhhh!!! I'm SOOOOO excited for our small group retreat!! But I wish I could be there when Lyss gets back (midnight tonight ) .. but I don't think she would appreciate me.. ya know, with Brady and Donovan being there and all.. *evil laugh*.. but yes, I am determined to meet them one day.. hopefully in the near future..

I luv having Friday afternoons off!! It's grrrr-eat!!! Yes, I'm in a very excited.. very weird mood.. as if you couldn't tell.

So, for all my small group girlz:

Respect

Listen

Love

... and TRUST!

I'm going to do the happy journal that many of my small group girlz do.. so every day, I'll name at least 3 things that I'm thankful for.

Today, I'm thankful for:

~Friday afternoons off
~guitar
~my small group
~my friends

well, that's about all for now

Luv,
~*Jeni*~

Current Mood: excited

Today was a good day too!! Youth last night was AWESOME.. and yes, I pretty much say that every week.. but it's true. I luv my youth group!!

Tomorrow is my small group retreat, and I'm UBER excited for that!!! It's gonna be great, gurlz.

And, suddenly, I've run out of things to say.. that has to be a first.. meh.. whatever..

Luv,

Jeni

Current Mood: excited

Today was a happy day ... I got a letter in the mail from my cousin, who moved away, and I was really sad cuz we were really close and I haven't seen her since Nak last year .. but anyway, it was an 11 page letter .. and I already wrote back.. 11 pages

YAY!!! Small group retreat this weekend... *squeal*.. YAY!!! Fiff's singin' on the worship team Wednesday night *squeal* yes... I'm in a good mood.. hee hee..

Luv,
~*Jeni*~

Current Mood: ecstatic

well, I'm at school right now.. I think (once again) my band teacher is going to kill our section.. this time he even moved us into the front row... he caught me making another weird face, and asked me if I practiced them in a mirror.... I was just like, "no, I only practice with Ashley and Steph"... then he announced to the class, "and this afternoon, for your entertainment only, Jeni will teach us 100 faces" .. .lol.. Neway, g2g.. later

Luv,
~*Jeni*~

Current Mood: energetic

*giggle*
well, today was pretty good.. geez.. I think Mr. Smith was about to kill the flute section today.. cuz we're ALWAYS fooling around.. we played.. Snake, Coyote, Frog (animal version of rock paper scissors).. hee hee..

My math teacher asked me to do some peer tutoring, which could prove to be.. interesting...

so yeah, life is pretty good right now.

Luv,
~*Jeni*~

Current Mood: silly

Yes, so it hasn't been long (at all) since I wrote.. but I'm actually gonna write about life and stuff..

So, we had Thursday afternoon off, and Friday too. So, Jen slept over on Thursday night, and we went to meet Kim, Dan, Mike and Mini Mike @ Fairview with Catherine, then we went to Kim's house to watch Minority Report. So, that was fun. Then, I went to the Thiessen's and had a sleep-over with Jen there. Then, we hung out today, and went to church. And.. my sister (Otis) is back YAY!!

Luv,
~*Jeni*~

Current Mood: happy

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